These last few days, and actually weeks in retrospect. I feel trapped, stuck and a bit depressed. And have been thinking a lot. Shadow side has really been present and I have faced myself. Especially those things I actively tried to avoid seeing. This makes me smile while writing this. It’s so silly to feel so dual and don’t know how to express it properly. My family has been my outlet for the last years and I can’t say it helped that much.
Back to the thinking part, a quote from René Descartes has been floating in my mind for sometime now. “I think, therefore I am”. A year ago I would have tried to deny it. And use a argument of my belief system at the time. I was naive and thought that I knew the answers to all the big questions in life. At the time I was happy and felt fulfilled. I did what I loved and blissfully went through life. Notice the common factor in the situations. Thinking, led me to face my shadow and feel all these emotions. Thinking led me to believing that I knew what I was doing. While thinking I felt amazing, loved and fulfilled. Well why don’t I feel this way now?
It does not matter what answer I give. If I belief and think that is true, it is and will become. I am realising ever more deeply that every single emotion, thought and feeling is a perfect direction of where I am going. Sometimes it sucks! I felt and still feel a bit shitty, but writing this makes me realise that it is okay. It is okay for me to do things that make me feel. Its okay that this reality does not feel natural for me. Life is hard for me because I am hard for myself. Every thought, doubt about choices I made or want to make. It gives me exactly what I am asking for. If I think that all these things are ‘not the right thing to do’ and I feel unsure about my being.
Sometimes I feel very alone, and why is that? I deserve to be loved. But do I even think that I am worthy of love? Do I think that all I stand for and do, is me? I see myself in everyone I meet. Yet I think that I am separated. That no one feels what I feel. Knows what I know. Thinks what I think. All these things are nothing but thought. Neither good nor bad. They simply are. Yet I allow them to exist. To be, my reality.