Stepping into my being
Today I am stepping into a world that has presented itself to me. This world has been around for some while now. Ignored and perceived as a dream it was. Now as I shed my skin of self doubt and outdated beliefs. I see clearly. I am this world ever since I took my first breath. Every inhalation I longed and desired to be fully present. Here I am, it feels kinda strange. I’m actually feeling very light and clear. Some part of me still is scared. Scared of losing control and not knowing where I am heading. My heart is my companion on this journey, as it softens my doubts. Stepping into this being, my being. Is overwhelming, I feel complete and fulfilled. While my rational mind knows that I am far from being ‘done’.
I know now that for my entire life I have lived in the future. Longing for the moment that I am free. Being enlightened and being all knowing. Stepping into the being I am has enabled me to see. When one is trying there is no room for being. And so today has been a eye opening experience for me. Don’t knowing what to write next, what goal I am going for . To be honest I am scared as shit. Scared for being myself completely. As a kid I had a repetitive nightmare. A nightmare of being in a infinite white space. Feeling that I did not have any boundaries. No limit. That I was one with the white space. I felt so incredibly small. Soon after big mammoths appeared and started to trample me. Hiding in a closet being afraid of myself. This happened for almost every night I went to bed.
The memories of these dreams faded away after I woke up. But the feeling lingered.
Who am I?
The last couple of years I started to dream less and less about it. Little did I know how profoundly it has impacted my life. Feeling this lost in infinity I started creating my own boundaries and limitations. Every single night I had this dream program me to become who I am. I felt trapped, small, insignificant. And this is who I became. A boy, that thought everything was bigger then itself. Alone in the dark, facing the world.
I forgot who I was. Who I am. In the last couple of years I set out the task to find out who I am. In these years I had beautiful enlightening experiences. But the ones that I remember the most were body sensations. The sensation of being infinite. I never knew what It meant for me. Or even what I was experiencing. But these I stored away in my brain to save for later. More and more I started to feel this presence within me. The same feeling I had in my dreams that scared the living shit out of me. I was enjoying it intensely.
And now I know. I know, that I am nobody. I am that white space. That shapes itself to my thoughts. I am creator. One that is ever present in all. Breaking down the limitations and boundaries. Flying away into me. I am the one that I was scared for. The one I was looking for.