Eye of the storm
The last two days have been a raging storm in my consciousness. Every fibre of my body is trembling to the immense current that is change. As this storm rages on I threw some bad habits in it to fly away. But that means I had to put in the effort to transform it! So I did, but not without some resistance and hesitation. The thing is.. I know what I can do to change my life for the better for some months now. Looking the other way was my preferred method of going on with life. I have a funny and confronting habit of letting truths build up without applying them in my daily ”normal” life. So what happens as the pressure builds of all these truths it all comes flying in my face when it has peaked capacity. A very pleasant experience indeed. Now, I could not deny my truths no more and gladly have started to incorporate them in my life.
Sexuality. Ughhh, yes this was me. I loved it and hated it. I had these huge outburst of urges and then flooded them with shame. Thinking I am above these urges, feeling shit. Talking about my sexuality is something I never thought of doing. I was very defensive as I thought there are many judgements for sexuality. Yet I never realised that those hurting the most came from me. Every relationship I condemned. At least a part of me. A part of me that wishes to be heard. To feel free and embodied. Yeah that piece was always in the back of my consciousness. Excluding theses feelings alone in the dark. I did the same thing to myself that others did to me. As a kid I was bullied and the thing that questioned my worthiness the most is the thing I remember as it were yesterday.
We just finished our lesson of physical education and went to the dressing rooms. I went into the bathroom and afterward started to undress myself. As I stood there in my underwear one of the bullies pointed at my underwear and shouted that I pied myself. Little did I know that I had a tiny stain of pee on my underwear. All the boys started laughing and it felt like I was worth nothing. This memory I had repressed and hid it deep in the unconscious part of my being. Little did I know this trauma would alter the rest of my life until this day.
Something that never changed was the absolute certainty that I am destined to be with my other half ”the one”. As a kid I had no desire to be with girls. Growing up and becoming a teen changed everything. I started feeling myself and all the urges and desires deep within me. I always had a stronger will to ”control” it. What I actually did was narrow down the band of expression I was capable of. This resulted in very obsessive behaviours. Not that I would ever show a glimpse of it to the world. Oh no, I was a master of deception. My entire world was in my head. I started falling in love with everyone who showed a glimmer of worthiness to me. Day dreaming about all that we would become. Living a fantasy of so called love. Yet this all burst into a empty feeling after sexual release. There were many persons were this dance was performed. The act stayed the same only the faces would change. And after each performance for and to myself I started feeling more insecure and worthless.
Becoming the one
So after all these beautiful performances to fool myself I started seeing shimmers of truth. Sometimes I would be brave and dared to follow that light of truth. Most of the time it was so bright. And just as my sexuality it was cast out into the depths of unconsciousness. But after reaching for numerous truths and sending them into the depths of my being. Something amazing happened. The light started to illuminate all parts of me, dying to be heard. Feeling forgotten and lost, they now found the warmth of truth. And slowly but surely the densities started to melt into my conscious awareness. Piece by piece started to transform into something. Something ancient and primordial. Now today is the day were I see and acknowledge my sexuality. My desires, my worthiness. I see that all stems from me. And all these years I have searched for something in love, in women. That was missing, or should I say hiding within my darkness. And now my darkness has become one with my being.