Deep desires.

More then a year ago, I started this blog. Big dreams, amazing experiences. Little did I know that this website would become the ultimate reflection of my present state. In that year I have written more then 7 posts. Currently, only two are still public. My big entré, creations written out of pure love for that part of me.

You might wonder, where are the others? Well, I am asking myself that very same question as I am writing. A part of me is deeply scared and ashamed by the things I experience and live. Most of the time it is deep in the closet of my consiousness. I like it there. I feel deeply confronted whenever it comes into play. Why?…

Sigh… There are parts of me, that just feel so utterly stupid. Just lost inside my head. Even now I have the urge to trash that part of me and just act like that never happend. I can be such an idiot, luckely I am feeling this through. Deep breaths are required to rewire my sturdy old head. Ahh, I can feel…

I now realise and embody. The intense knowing, that my deepest desire is overshadowed by my deepest fear. Fuck… I wish to be in connection with others. Friends, family, lovers. Yet I forget myself… How the hell did I forget myself??? Shit.. I can only experience connection when I am at peace with all that is me.

Oops.. Yeah bloodly hell that was easy, only took 19 years to figure that one out hahaha. Now.. before I wrote this I thought to myself. When Im finished writing I am gonna change everything on this website. Especially where I introduce myself. All I can do now is laugh. Laugh very much, and I encourage to take look and see who I was. And still am, when I was Eightheen.

Peace

B.A

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