Alone in the dark

Sometimes there is that distinct feeling of drowning in thoughts, emotions and feelings. I cannot explain why it happens but it does. And when it strikes I am knocked the fuck out. All hopes seems lost at that moment and a veil of darkness comes over my vision. I feel attacked, abused and miserable.

The thing is, I found out how I can negate this. Process and meditate, but shit when I feel so overwhelmed that is probably the last thing on my mind. When I commit to the act of surrender I am free. It all fades away like a bad dream eclipsed by the morning sun. The question why it happens is very persistent, yet I know that when I ask these questions and start to believe the answers. That yet again I an trapped into the pattern that I broke free of.

Oops. For the last 2 years I have felt either great or shit. There was no middle in how my life was going. I now feel like that I valued them both too much. I lived for the good and drowned in the bad. I’m coming to peace with the idea that all the drama is self inflicted.

Ego

Okay, this is a big one. Ego.. The way I introduce it tells the tale of my current growth opportunity. For the longest time I have condemned the idea of having a big ego. And Oh was I righteous and fair. At least that was what I thought. So absorbed by the notion of condemning the ego I forgot that I have one myself.

I’ve got all the answers. Ask and you shall receive. Well shit, I have proven to myself by living the belief that I have the answers. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I have lost all capability to think clearly. Yet I have never felt so free and clear. I know it is weird, it is presence. The thing I have been obsessed with is presence. I have chased it down, hunted and ran until I could not anymore. And at those times when I have had no choice but to surrender and be. The undeniable and all encompassing feeling of presence fills my body.

I am addicted to the hunt. The hunt of presence, yet I have failed to see that true presence comes when there is no need. No urge to feel, be or say. Presence is.. And I have been playing a game with myself. I have quite enjoyed it but I choose now to stop giving in to need. The need to feel good, the need for balance. The need for love. I am responsible for all those things. Yet when I let go the idea of need all comes effortlessly. In this moment my body fills with presence as I realize something I have been searching for my entire life. Acceptance.

-B.A

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