As I was entering a semi- trance state a provoking thought occurred to me. ”A single act of courage is enough to break thousands made out of fear.’‘
Going back a few months, maybe only weeks ago a part of me did not have very much courage. That is the part that likes to linger in the shadow. Unseen and unbothered, yet it carries the deepest desire in me. And that is to connect. And for the last weeks I have been facing and integrating this part of me. Both shadow and desire. It is not easy to see the naked truth about myself so present in my life. I know, yet this is exactly what prevents me from doing and feeling. The utter knowing how to fix and heal yourself is both a great gift and enormous burden. Every single day I see myself completely. And most of these days I choose not to act, feel or be.
I am confronted more and more with the habits and responses that I embody. All the little unconscious or very conscious decision to reduce sensitivity, presence and emotional connection. Now that these patterns emerge from the unconscious or shadow into my awareness it shifts. When I catch myself in doing these things I feel a range of emotions. At the same time I am silent. Not long after my ego takes control again, I listen to it. Talking about why It ain’t that bad. And I feel… I don’t know what I feel. Its weird the sensation is very intense yet I have no clue how I feel.
One of my deepest desires is to be in love. This has been the most present desire in my entire life. Yet at the same time the most repressed. Fuck that, I am not going to do that anymore. Today I made a leap of faith, by doing something I would never ever do a couple of weeks ago. I asked a girl out, and what do you know? It ain’t that bad!